Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
It's blow job season.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
