i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
