Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
