Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
