Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize