Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
We need to get me chipped asap
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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