I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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