very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Randomize
