Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
