too bad you live with your parents still
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Randomize
