You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
