If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize
