proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Randomize
