I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
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