We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
