I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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