Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
