just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
