It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
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