im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Randomize
