she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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