You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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