I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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