I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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