this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
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