So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
