I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
