MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
