You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
