yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
