k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Randomize
