how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize