you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
