Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Randomize
