If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
