Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
