Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
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