dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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