then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
