i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Randomize
