You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
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