he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
