just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Houston, we have a blender
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
