Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Randomize