WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
