My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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