dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Randomize
