Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Randomize
