When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
