Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
