My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
