He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
