Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
