this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
