my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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