Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
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