It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
