thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize