I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
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